I Give Happy Endings — Terms & Conditions

Terms & Conditions

For Happy Ending Eligibility

Happy endings are offered at the sole discretion of the wearer and are subject to the following mandatory eligibility requirements, which must be satisfied in full prior to any consideration of said happy ending.

Section 1 — Net Worth

Applicant must demonstrate a verified net worth exceeding one billion dollars ($1,000,000,000 USD) as confirmed by a certified public accountant, two independent financial auditors, and a notarized statement from at least one Forbes journalist. Cryptocurrency does not count. Neither does your boat.

Section 2 — Medical Qualification

Applicant must present a terminal or hospice-level diagnosis confirmed in writing by no fewer than three licensed physicians, one of whom must be a specialist, none of whom may be your cousin who went to med school in the Caribbean.

Section 3 — Legal Representation

All arrangements, negotiations, scheduling, and correspondence must be conducted exclusively through applicant's attorney of record. Direct contact will not be entertained. Texts, DMs, and “hey I saw your shirt” openers are not legally binding and will be disregarded.

Section 4 — Relationship Status Verification

Applicant must provide notarized documentation confirming zero living, breathing, or emotionally present ex-partners. Situationships, almost-relationships, and “we were just talking” do not qualify as exes but are still disqualifying.

Section 5 — Estate Planning Compliance

Applicant must have a fully executed will, trust, and advance healthcare directive on file. If you haven’t called your estate attorney yet, this offer is not for you.

Section 6 — Emotional Availability Waiver

Applicant must sign and notarize a waiver acknowledging that “happy ending” refers exclusively to a peaceful, well-organized, legally airtight conclusion to one’s earthly affairs and absolutely nothing else. Any misinterpretation is the applicant’s problem.

Section 7 — Waiting Period

Standard processing time is 6 to 8 business decades. Rush requests will not be accommodated.

Savagely Single™ reserves the right to reject any application for any reason, including but not limited to: bad vibes, insufficient net worth, failure to read the fine print, or simply not feeling it that day.
Offer void where prohibited. No refunds. No exceptions. No drama.

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